3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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