I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
