I wish my penis had an off switch
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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