We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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