I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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