I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Randomize
