It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
