Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
