Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
