All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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