Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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