Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
