did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented