so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.