theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth