just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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