seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
