I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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