how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
