how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
