I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
