How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Randomize
