We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
