Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
