can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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