Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
