my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
