I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
i think my cat just said my name.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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