he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
