I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
