ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
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Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
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I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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