I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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