Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Randomize
