i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Randomize
