why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
