You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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