Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
