Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
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