You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
