You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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