So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
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