Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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