I chose taco bell over sex...
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Slut skills are useful in every country.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Those nachos came to me in a dream