well you can't waste a boner
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in