First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
So much rum. So many feels.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
