Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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