You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Randomize
