In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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