the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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