i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
