You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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