You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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