My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
