I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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