You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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