Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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