i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
