Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
