I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
