I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
