and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
