She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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