you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
